Subject: Fw: Peter Slipper has a heart-attack
One day in the future, Peter Slipper has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don’t know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’ve got a couple of folks here who weren’t quite bad as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I’ll even let YOU decide who leaves.”
Slipper thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," Slipper said. "I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer, and I don’t think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the door of the next room.
In it was Julia Gillard with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All she did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, this is no good; I’ve got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Slipper.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, Slipper saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Peter Slipper looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, “Yeah man, I can handle this.”
The devil smiled and said …
(This is priceless…)
"OK, Monica, you’re free to go."
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. ..
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, ‘Please come over here and help
Me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get
Her boyfriend asks, ‘What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?’
The blonde says, ‘According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.’
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
Her and says,
'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
Assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.’
He takes her hand and says, ‘Second, I want you to relax. Let’s have a
Nice cup of tea, and then .’ he said with a deep sigh, . .. . … . ..
'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'
Here’s a quote from a government employee who witnessed a recent interaction between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester. There were protesters at the grocery store handing out pamphlets on the evils of America.
I politely declined to take one.
There was an elderly woman behind me and a young (20-ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined. The young protester put her hand on the old woman’s shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft
voice the young lady said, “Lady, don’t you care about the children of Iraq?”
The old woman looked up at her and said:
"Honey, my father died in France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea, and a son in Vietnam ..
All three died so a bitch like you could have the right to stand here and badmouth our country. If you touch me again, I’ll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it.”
~ God Bless America ~
Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?”
80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.
"Mr. Barnes, it’s obviously not a good morning for golf. It’sgood to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”
"I don’t have any," he replied gruffly.
"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"
The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, “I outlived the bastards.”
Five tips for a woman….
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on! And doesn’t lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5 . It is important that these four men don’t know each other.
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city’s most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, “Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don’t give a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?”
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, “First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?”
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, “Uh … no, I didn’t know that.”
"Secondly," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.
"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister’s husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another who has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, “I’m so sorry, I had no idea.”
And the lawyer says, “So .… if I didn’t give any money to them, what the fuck makes you think I’d give any to you?”